Ever been in a meeting where your idea is ignored, or your ‘hujambo’ gets a weak ‘sijambo’? That sinking feeling might be about more than a bad day. “Surprising Ways You’re Losing Respect” looks at the small, everyday habits that quietly erode how people see you.
We’ll explore common missteps, from how you handle your phone in conversations to the promises you casually break. These can help you build stronger, more respectful relationships at work, at home, and in your community.
Overpromising and Underdelivering
This isn’t just about failing to meet a big deadline. It’s the small, broken commitments that chip away at trust. Many think respect is earned through grand gestures, but it’s often lost in the tiny cracks of everyday reliability. Saying “nitakupigia simu kesho” and then going silent for a week speaks louder than you think.
The “Nitakufanyia” Culture
We have a habit of saying “nitakufanyia” to be polite or end a conversation, even when we know we can’t deliver. For instance, promising to help someone navigate the eCitizen portal for a passport renewal, then being “too busy” every time they follow up. The person is left stranded, and your word becomes worthless.
Missing Social Commitments
Consistently showing up late or cancelling plans at the last minute sends a clear message that other people’s time is less valuable than yours. This is especially damaging in professional settings. Being the person who is always 15 minutes late for a meeting at the office or who misses a scheduled call with a client at a SACCO paints you as unreliable.
How Your Digital Habits Are Costing You Respect
Today, respect isn’t just lost in person; it’s eroded silently through your phone and online presence. The way you manage your digital interactions, especially in our highly connected Kenyan society, is now a major factor in how seriously people take you. It’s not about having the latest smartphone, but how you use it.
Consider these common but damaging habits:
- Phubbing in Conversations: Constantly checking your phone while someone is talking to you. Whether you’re at a kibanda having chai or in a formal meeting, this action screams, “You are not important.” It breaks the fundamental connection.
- The Vague Social Media Rant: Posting cryptic, angry statuses about “some people” or “a certain office” instead of addressing issues directly. For example, complaining about “lazy county askaris” on Facebook instead of using official county channels makes you look passive-aggressive, not powerful.
- Ignoring Official Digital Channels: Not checking emails from your workplace, university, or even from bodies like the KRA or NTSA. Missing a deadline because you “didn’t see the email” for your iTax PIN reset or a traffic fine is now seen as pure negligence, not an excuse.
Pitfalls That Make You Look Unprofessional
Confusing Rudeness for Directness
Many think being brutally blunt is being “real.” But shouting at a waiter at a Nairobi restaurant or publicly reprimanding a junior colleague is not directness—it’s aggression. The correct approach is to address the issue privately and calmly, stating facts without insults.
Using Humour as a Weapon
Making constant “jokes” about someone’s tribe, their financial status, or their appearance is not banter; it’s disrespect masked as fun. It creates a hostile environment. Instead, use humour that builds people up or is self-deprecating, not that tears others down.
Neglecting Basic Etiquette in Shared Spaces
Ignoring simple courtesies in public, like pushing past people in a matatu queue, blasting music on your phone in a waiting bay, or leaving a mess at a shared office kitchenette, signals you believe you’re above common rules. The fix is simple: be mindful of others. Say “excuse me,” use headphones, and clean up after yourself.
Always Playing the Victim
Blaming “the system,” your boss, or “enemies” for every setback without taking any personal responsibility makes you seem incapable and unreliable. People lose respect for those who never own their part. Instead, acknowledge what you could have done better, then focus on solutions.
Kenyan Social and Professional Spaces
In Kenya, respect is deeply tied to context. How you behave at a harambee in Murang’a is different from a corporate boardroom in Westlands, but the core principles are the same. A major pitfall is treating all social interactions with the same casual tone. For instance, using Sheng and slang with your age mates is fine, but using that same language when addressing elders or officials at the county office immediately lowers their estimation of you.
Timing is everything. The famous “Kenyan time” joke stops being funny when it costs someone business. If you schedule a meeting for 10 AM at a coffee shop in town, aim to be there by 9:50 AM. Consistently being late communicates that your schedule is more important than the other person’s, especially if they have navigated Nairobi traffic to meet you. For formal appointments, like at Huduma Centre, being late can mean losing your slot entirely.
Another key tip is The power of follow-up. In our culture, a verbal agreement is often taken seriously. If you promise to send a proposal, M-Pesa some money, or call someone back, you must do it. Failing to follow through is seen as being untrustworthy. A simple text saying “Niko on the way” or “Nitatuma by end of day” maintains respect even if there’s a slight delay.
The Bottom Line
Respect in Kenya is often lost not in one big moment, but through the small, daily habits that show a lack of consideration for others. It’s built on reliability, mindful communication, and The context of every interaction, from the matatu to the office.
Take a moment today to reflect on one habit discussed here—maybe your phone use or how you keep time—and make a conscious effort to adjust it. Share this article with a friend and start a conversation about how you can both build more respectful relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions About Surprising Ways You’re Losing Respect in Kenya
Can I regain respect after I’ve lost it through these habits?
Yes, absolutely. Respect is often recoverable through consistent, changed behavior. It starts with a sincere apology where you acknowledge the specific habit, like always being late.
Then, you must demonstrate the change over time. People will believe your actions, not just your words, so be patient as you rebuild trust.
Is it disrespectful to use my phone during a work meeting in Kenya?
In most professional Kenyan settings, yes, it is considered very disrespectful unless it’s an emergency. It shows divided attention and a lack of engagement with the discussion at hand.
If you must take a call, quietly excuse yourself from the room. Otherwise, keep your phone face down and on silent to show full presence.
How do I handle a friend who constantly breaks small promises without seeming harsh?
Address it gently but directly, using “I” statements. You could say, “I felt a bit stranded when we didn’t connect for that eCitizen help, maybe we can set a specific time?”
This focuses on the impact of their action, not attacking their character. It gives them a chance to correct it without losing face.
What’s the biggest digital mistake costing Kenyans respect on platforms like WhatsApp?
Ignoring messages while being visibly “online” or “last seen”. In our chat-heavy culture, leaving someone on “read” for days without a reply, especially for work or important family matters, signals disregard.
A simple “noted” or “I’ll get back to you by evening” is far more respectful than total radio silence.
Does being too polite and indirect also make me lose respect in Kenya?
It can, especially in business or leadership roles. While politeness is valued, excessive beating around the bush or failing to give clear feedback to avoid conflict is seen as weak.
Strive for a balance: be courteous but clear and decisive in your communication. People respect clarity and direction.
